Thinking of you
by phoebemonique
Summary: Haruhi remembers moments about Tamaki and her... Songfic


NOTE: THE FLASHBACKS ARE NOT IN SEQUENCE…

_Italic letters are flashback (in Haruhi's narration)…_

**Bold letters are the lyrics of the song…**

Normal letters are Haruhi's thoughts…

_**Thinking of you**_

It's 4:00 am and I'm wide awake. There was a letter by the mirror addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Hitachiin. That's me and Hikaru. It was from the Suoh mansion. I am afraid to open it for Tamaki's now married to Éclair Tonnerre, now, Éclair Suoh. I feel really guilty for marrying Hikaru when I love him half-heartedly. I feel like I under-estimated his love, like… I cheated him and I am still cheating him with these undying feelings I have for Tamaki…

**Comparisons are easily done**

**Once you've had a taste of perfection**

_It was right outside my door before our date, that I heard Tamaki speaking with his grandmother over the phone._

"_Because I love her and it doesn't matter to me what her social status is…"_

"_That girl is no better than Haruhi. I refuse to meet her."_

_This is the first time I heard Tamaki refuse his grandmother and… it's because of me._

"_Ehh? The main mansion? Yes, I understand. Tomorrow evening 6:00 PM sharp. I'll be there. Bye, Grandma."_

_He shut his phone and continued to wait for me. I composed myself and cheerfully went out the door._

**Like an apple hanging from a tree**

**I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed**

"_I am announcing my engagement with Ms. Éclair Tonnerre. I also want to inform you that as of tomorrow, after the last blast of fireworks which signals the end of the festival, the host club will be dissolved." He managed to say before he looked away from us._

"_Come on, King. This is not a funny joke. You can't just come here announce your engagement and the end of the host club." Hikaru shouted._

"_T-Tama-chan, will you really leave us?" Hani-senpai shuddered. But Tamaki didn't utter a word. "Answer me, you idiot!" He cried_.

_Mori-senpai sported the same downhearted and betrayed looks we all had on our faces. He clenched his fist quietly until his knuckles turned white._

"_K-King you're not gonna leave us right? This is just a sick joke. Please tell us it is! Why don't you answer you, King?" Kaoru shouted angrily with tears flowing in his cheeks and down to the floor._

_Kyouya just pushed his glasses up and with a sad smile he said, "If this is what you want then we can't stop you…"_

_The twins and Hani-senpai protested and I can see that Tamaki himself was stunned. But Kyouya just removed his glasses and looked up to him and whispered with most enraged tone he can muster, "But remember that once you walk away from us, you must forget that we were ever a part of your life." _

"_T-Tamaki…" He flinched as I called out his name unconsciously as he walked away. He turned around and took one step towards us._

_He was about to descend the stairs when Éclair's hand snaked around his arm._

"_Tamaki, you won't disappoint me like this right?" Éclair said loud enough for us to hear._

_Hani-senpai and Kaoru was about to follow him and punch him in the face but Kyouya's voice of authority with a bit of sadness stopped them…_

"_Stop. Let the idiot do what he wants. That's his choice." Kyouya wore his glasses again._

_Tamaki's eyes widened with his words but took his leave with that wretched girl, leaving us in the darkness…_

**You said move on, where do I go?**

**I guess second best is all I will know**

_Éclair talked to me before she went to Tamaki…_

"_So, you're Haruhi Fujioka." She said._

"_Yes. I assume you are Ms. Éclair Tonnerre." I said never changing my calm expression._

"_I'll get straight to the point. You, a simple nobody, lured in the Suoh's heir. Did you really think that your story would end happily?" Her venomous tone stangled me. "But my real point here is, if you don't want to get hurt any more than this, stay away." Éclair glared at me before she stood up._

_She seemed to look for Tamaki but she can't find him anywhere._

_I absentmindedly went to the 3__rd__ music room to change in the dress they prepared for me. _

_As I was leaving, I heard an angelic tune that seems to be so sad yet beautiful. I knew who it was already, no matter what my mind told me, I need to see him. I caught a glimpse of his beautiful hair, waving in rhythm with the melody._

_I couldn't contain myself. Tears welled in my eyes as I ran to the piano and wrapped my arms around Tamaki's neck. I cried at his shoulder hard, hiccupping and wheezing, until he pressed the last note. He turned around to face me. He carefully held my face in his gentle hands before wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me to his lap. My arms are still clinging around his neck as he buried his face in the space in my neck._

"_Tamaki, d-don't leave me. Don't leave us. Tamaki, I love you so much. What will I do without you?" I mumbled between gasps as I cried, hoping to convince him._

"_Haruhi, I love you too, I love you so much but as much as I want to stay with you everyday of my life, I can't. She probably told you right? You know that as much I want to love you, to kiss and to hold you like this until the rest of my eternity, I can't. If I run away from this marriage, all of you will suffer. I don't want to drag you to my dark fate, Haruhi." Tamaki said as he forced to me the power of his amethyst eyes._

"_No, no Tamaki I—" I didn't have the chance to finish my sentence as he pressed his soft lips to mine._

_We both closed our eyes and savored our first and last chance to ever be together. I knew it back then, that no matter how hard I try to beg him to change his mind, he won't, he can't._

"_Haruhi. I want you to move on. Move to Italy, to America or just somewhere you'd forget me. Try to be happy. Marry someone, Hikaru or Kaoru, maybe even Kyouya or someone else who can give you what I can't. Try to forget me. You must live on. I'll be content with just that if you are. Just remember that I would never forget you Haruhi, never and for the rest of my life, I will only love you." He planted a small kiss on my forehead then on my lips, my cheek, my wrist. He laid me at the piano stool then planted a chaste last kiss on the back of my hand before he ran away leaving me breathless._

"_Tamaki!" I screamed wishing he'd come back and take me in his arms._

_But he never did and he never will…_

**Coz when I'm with him I am thinking of you**

**Thinking of you, what you would do**

**If you were the one who was spending the night**

**Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes**

_This was the day of my wedding with Hikaru. I love him, yes, I love him. That's what I keep telling myself and everyone. I keep telling that so much that the lie seemed true. I was sitting in front of the mirror, waiting for the wedding coordinator to call me. Then I heard a knock on the door…_

"_Please come in." I said politely._

"_Haru-chan?" Hani-senpai peeped in the door with Mori-senpai behind him._

"_Hani-senpai, Mori-senpai." It was very delightful to see them. It made me smile genuinely a thing that I haven't done so much since that day._

"_Haruhi." Hani-senpai began in the most serious tone._ "_Do you still love Tamaki? Do you really love Hikaru?" Hani-senpai said as he pulled a chair beside me. Mori-senpai just stood behind him as if he too were saying the same things._

"_I don't know." I said as I looked down. They exchanged glances but they never said anything, instead they hugged me._

_Everything went to a complete blur. Then it seems like centuries had passed when I heard the priest say_

"_If there's anyone who has a reason for this wedding not to take place, may you please state your feelings now?" The priest looked around. There were murmurs but no one objected._

_How I wished Tamaki would be here._

**You're like an Indian summer in the middle of winter**

**Like a hard candy with a surprise center**

_I remember our summer once again in Karuizawa. It was just the two of us. Everything went well in our first three days but on the fourth night, a thunderstorm came._

_I shut myself in the room not even bothering to lock the door. I hid under my covers and covered my head with my blanket, then my comforters, then my pillow but the terrifying thunder never seized._

_I was surprised when something warm was wrapped around my body. Arms, it was someone's arms. I tried to peek who it was but the lightning boomed again and I trembled. The arms wrapped around me tighter. The unknown person just lay beside me in the bed._

_I discarded the pillows and such to see that Tamaki was beside me hugging me as if he was protecting me from something. He smiled._

_I felt like I was in a sanctuary, a safe place in the midst of this world. I forgot all about the thunderstorm and slept peacefully with my newly found comfort._

**How do I get better once I've had the best?**

**You said there's tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test**

_I went home after that tiring day. With the festival, Tamaki's engagement with that 'girl', I ought to take a shower. Just when I was about to go in the bathroom, my phone rang. At first, I thought it was just The Hitachiin twins, checking up on me but to my surprise it was Tamaki._

"_Haruhi, Are you okay?" Tamaki asked in an obvious worried tone._

"_As if you'd care." I answered coldly._

"_Damn. Of course I would care. Please don't be like this. I am speaking to Haruhi Fujioka not some girl who couldn't forget." Tamaki said in a serious tone._

"_What do you want? You already chose her right? Why don't you just leave me alone?" I replied with tears flowing from my eyes. He's right, this miserable girl is not me._

"_I didn't have a choice. No, Haruhi please, don't cry, I love you. I just want you to look at another person who loves you. Please forget your love for me about me. This will be our last conversation as friends of any kind. Just remember I won't love any other woman like I love you."I shut the cell phone._

_He's so unfair, I must forget but he can't? I won't forget him. I never will. Even if a thousand men knelt by my door._

**He kissed my lips I taste your mouth, oh!**

**He pulled me in I was disgusted with myself**

"_I pronounce you, man and wife. Hikaru, you may now kiss your bride." The priest said._

_Then Hikaru lifted my veil and kissed my lips softly at first, and then he held my waist to pull me into him. I tried to act enthusiastic by wrapping my arms around his neck._

_But I just remembered Tamaki, with this act. I felt sorry for Hikaru. I am just fooling him or rather, I am just fooling myself. I bowed as my thoughts evaded my mind._

_I felt like running but I can't, so I stayed, intertwining myself to Hikaru's perfect fate._

**Coz when I'm with him I am thinking of you**

**Thinking of you, what you would do**

**If you were the one who was spending the night**

**Oh, I wish that I was looking into…**

_It was our honeymoon. The night was perfect. Yet, I don't feel it. I sat down on the bed while staring off to space. Hikaru approached me. It seemed like he was heated up, boiling maybe. He kissed me once again, more passionate this time as we lay on the bed._

_A sense of guilt was building up inside me as he started to touch me. It's like my conscience was screaming for me to stop but I can't, and I won't. I will follow Tamaki's advice, to move on. I want to at least make Hikaru happy even if I can't be truly so myself. Because I know I still love Tamaki._

_Why am I thinking about him after he left me? I can't do this to Hikaru especially since it's our honeymoon._

_Wet moisture trickled in my face. Hikaru noticed and asked. _

"_Haruhi, are you alright? Did I hurt you? Do you want me to stop?" Hikaru was worrying about me right now. He loves me. He chose me. Tamaki didn't So why can't I commit myself to him just now until the rest of my days?_

"_No, that's just tears of joy. Please continue where we left off." I smiled and then, I tried to whisper while nibbling on his ear._

_And then I committed myself to him slowly then, everything was in another blur of dull colors. _

**You're the best, and yes, I do regret**

**How I could let myself let you go**

**Now, now the lesson's learned**

**I touched it, I was burned**

**O, I think you should know!**

**Coz when I'm with him I am thinking of you**

**Thinking of you, what you would do**

**If you were the one who was spending the night**

**Oh, I wish that I was looking into your,**

**Looking into your eyes,**

**Looking into your eyes,**

**Looking into your eyes…**

I sat in front of the mirror with letter in my hands…

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hitachiin,

We're very sorry to tell you that your friend Tamaki Suoh died in a plane crash in France at 1:01 AM, October 13, 2005. We would like to know if you will attend his funeral this Friday, 1:00 PM at Tokyo Memorial garden. We hope with all sincerity for you to come and bid your last goodbye to Mr. Suoh, A loyal friend, husband, father and president of the Suoh companies. Thank you.

Regards,

Suoh Family

I cried as I read the letter…

**Oh won't you walk through?**

**And bust in the door and take me away?**

**Oh, no more mistakes**

**Cause' in your eyes I'd like to stay…**

**Stay…**

Just this morning I was thinking that you'd get divorced after a year of your marriage. That you are now free from the clasps of Éclair, that she won't threaten you, that you're gonna come here and we'll go somewhere to forget our past. I cried and laid down the bed. I cuddled close to Hikaru, seeking for the comfort, he always gave me.

"Haruhi?" I heard him call my name.

"Tamaki's gone, Hikaru." I whispered through my muffled sobs.

"Shhh…It's okay. I'm here." He fliched a bit but he knew I needed comfort now, so we just lay there as he soothingly traced circles on my back.

"I-I love you, Hikaru."

"I love you too, Haruhi."

After all these years, I now let go of my feelings. I now commit myself fully to Hikaru and our children. I truly love him now. I also forgive Tamaki and Éclair.

After so many days in my life, I learned to live, to see another life besides, the one that I lived in Tamaki's shadow.

'Only one thing is for certain', I thought as I looked up to the sky…

Tamaki I may not always love you

But I will always be

Thinking of you

_**-The End-**_

**Author's note: **I first published this fic at Apr. 7, 2009. I'm still in love with it so I updated and edited it today at May 24, 2011. I hope it's better…


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